Putting it into perspective

Let's be honest here. When I started this blog I never meant for anyone I knew to find it, let alone read it. Oh sure I knew strangers might stumble across it, yet I also figured that if they did it would be because they had typed something into their search engine that brought them to my site to begin with. Ergo it was quite possible that 1.) the things I am blogging about might actually inform them of something they may be struggling with, and/or 2.) may make said person realize they are not alone in whatever hidden illness battle they might be waging. But as time went by I had a few people wanting updates on me and given one of my friends had already found this blog (hey Beth, my fellow yarn hoor--what up?!!), I thought it couldn't hurt to share it with a select few. Now, I can count on one hand the number of people I've let into this inner circle of mine. Each time I give out the link to this blog I always feel a bit hesitant. This is a place that I consider very private. I am not one to bitch about my health as incessantly as I do here, especially not to my friends, but this is my one outlet to do so. Of course, if my friends ask me questions I will answer them, however I often don't get into a lot of detail and/or let them know what it's really like. There's no reason for this except that I don't want to bore anyone with the gory details nor make it seem like these illnesses are my life. Because they aren't. I have no qualms sharing with anyone certain aspects of what I have. To me, knowledge is power. By sharing I am potentially helping someone figure out why their ALT's and AST's are high. Or that lung problem that seems to run in their family? Maybe that's A1AD. The bone pain they're dealing with? I get it...I deal w/it too. So why would I not want everyone to know about this blog? Simple. I get that I come across here as if A1AD and arthritis are my LIFE. My ONLY life. And that couldn't be further from the truth. Yes, I have focused on it a lot (i.e. this blog) by researching, reading, seeing specialists, and going through the motions. Yet I am many other things than just a person with hidden illnesses. I am a wife. A mother. A dog owner. A friend. A knitter. A photographer. A website designer. A coffee lover. A cook. A lover of movies. A book reader. A writer. And the list can go on and on. I have three other blogs in addition to this one. I have a knitting blog, a photography blog, and my blog on my MySpace page. Each one shows a different facet of my life and yet none of them define who I truly am.

People who know me understand this. They know that while I may talk about my problems when they ask how things are going, that I am not all consumed by it. It is not who I am. It's just a part of who I am. Just as the other things I listed above make up the person that is me--A1AD, G6PD, Arthritis, etc. are all just pieces that help form a whole. The illnesses are nothing I can get rid of. Nothing I can ignore. Nothing I can truly change no matter what I do. They just simply...are. Believe me, I've tried. And at times I still try. I would love nothing more than to go back to my days of no pain, no bone crushing fatigue, no worrying about when my liver or lungs are going to fail me completely, no drugs, no nothing but good health. I can't count how many times I have pushed myself pretending to be something I no longer am and paid for it dearly. Yet I will always be that person. I will always do everything within my power to lead as normal of a life as I can. But with this I have learned that I can't do it all. That is not a bad thing. I have also learned that I have to prioritize my life. Again, this is good. As much as I loved my wedding & event decorating company when I bought it, I started to resent it towards the end. Working as hard as I did had serious consequences on my body and I had to admit this to myself, and let it go. We could've kept the business. We could've kept on, me pushing myself, Ryan and my dad working two jobs, the kids losing out on weekends, but we certainly COULD have kept doing it. I just didn't want to. And there was no point to it. So I let it go. I prioritized my life and put my family and my health first. These illnesses forced me to do it. There was no sticking my head in the sand and pretending they didn't exist. My body refused to allow that to happen. Instead of fighting it I decided to listen. That is not always easy. Not when listening means accepting that your life will never again be the way it was. Yet I have been here before. When I got pregnant...when I had my son...when I got married...when we had our daughter...moved to Oregon...and so forth. Each time my life changed, sometimes dramatically, and each change had it's own challenges and rewards. With them I grew wiser, stronger, and learned a lot. As crazy as it sounds, what I have gone through over the past two years has taught me quite a bit. It's forced me to be more patient, to be more understanding, and to take better care of myself. Conversely it has also taken away certain parts of myself that I loved, albeit took for granted, and made my question how I can continue to go through life in the shape I'm in now. It has made me feel alone. Very alone. Writing about it here as given me an outlet to get all the things I keep from people on the outside world out of my inner bottle. This blog allows me to look back and recall what symptoms I've had, when my last flare up was, if there is any common thread between flares, what drugs I've been on, and anything else that deals with the craziness that is my life. I do not share a lot of other things that go on in my life simply because I have never felt that this was the blog to do so in. Nor have I talked a lot about my health issues on my other blogs. It may come up at times, in small amounts, but to me my other blogs serve a different purpose. At times they cross, as is a given, yet each one serves it's created intention--for me to share whatever the blog is about with other people.

Last night I did the finger stick test for the Alpha-1 Phenotype test. Part of the paperwork had a long questionnaire regarding your feelings about health, tests, and whatnot. One of the questions had to do with preferring to know if you have this deficiency vs. not knowing. I, of course, prefer to know. It gives me a sense of control in an otherwise uncontrolled situation. I can learn about it, find doctors that actually know about it, and possibly prolong my liver and lungs longer than I could if I didn't know about it. By acknowledging it I am also agreeing to get in the drivers seat and take over. Sometimes I will be in the passenger seat...going along for the ride...but sometimes I'll be taking the lead and taking steps to better my health. Would I love to go along for the rest of my life and deny that I have A1AD or arthritis or any of my other weird disorders? Of course I would! Especially if it worked. Unfortunately it doesn't. So I will continue to share my journey and what I learn along the way on here despite my misgivings and thoughts of completely deleting this entire blog for fear of giving the wrong impression that I am allowing these things to control my life. The last thing I want readers to think is that I sit around all day and night feeling sorry for myself, not living my life, and ONLY thinking about my health. That couldn't be further from the truth. Despite being in constant pain and having a black cloud above my head (i.e. the fear that my liver will conk out at any given time), I am doing my best to keep pushing, keep battling, and enjoying what I have around me. I have good days and I have bad days. And although I talk about not much else than my health on this blog, rest assured that I am doing so for a reason! ;o)

Add seasoning, stir, and simmer

In my never-ending quest to find relief for my pain, I picked up some sea salts with special herbs for muscle/joint pain when we were grocery shopping this week. Yes, I was skeptical too and after reading the label I realized that most of the stuff in the package (the $5.95 package) was in my pantry. Except Dead Sea Salts. I bet I could get some, though. But whatever...I love the new bathtub and will use any excuse to get in there and soak. Not that I need an excuse, mind you.

Yesterday was a particularly grueling day for me. I'm not sure what the deal was but my pelvis felt as if it were ready to break in half. I was literally crying and/or fighting back tears from the afternoon on as the pain was constant and no position brought relief. Sometimes it would let up a bit yet it always came back. Up until then I had been doing fine. Sure my bones were more achy than usual however I can deal with that. When my SI joints flare up it can be excruciating to say the least. I wonder if the cortisone is wearing off or something? Who knows. So after taking a half and a whole Percocet in about a 3 hr. time span and still having a ton of pain, I figured I'd try the Dead Sea Salt soak for the hell of it. The kids were watching cartoons, Ryan wasn't home yet, and the dogs were conked out as usual. I crept downstairs, drew the water, lit some candles, poured the contents of the package into the included sack per the directions, then placed it into the tub. Little bits of thyme and who knows what else floated out here and there. The salts dissolved through the bag and as I sat in the tub I felt sort of like a chicken. Steam was rising not only off of the water itself, but also off of my hands, arms, or whatever else I pulled out of the super hot water. It was very warm, I was seasoned up good, now all I needed were some cannibals dancing around me, singing, and waiting for me to read 185 degrees when poked with a thermometer. The directions read that I had to sit in there for 30 mins. Normally this wouldn't even be an issue for me. Last night, however, I ran the water a tad too warm as I didn't want to get cold while soaking, so I was quite toasty. I even opened up two windows to get some cool air in. In the end I managed to withstand the piping hot water for the allotted time but unfortunately it didn't provide much relief. Maybe it would have had I not been in as much pain as I was. I ended up taking yet another whole Percocet later that night just to make it through until bedtime.

Today I do feel better but I'm still hurting really bad. Not make-me-cry bad, though. Just enough to make me kinda hate life right now and keep me from working on the website that I need to get done. Sitting at my computer is tough at the moment. Even with a fairly comfy chair. I need a butt pillow. A really good butt pillow that will support my pelvis. There has to be one of those out there. Off to hunt for one...

NASH

Last Wed. I made the trek across the river to OHSU's G.I. clinic. The building itself was quite large and a little strange to maneuver around. I had already gotten lost along the way and was flustered, but the cherry on top was when I went to check in and got the, "Didn't they call you?" greeting. Turns out Dr. Z had a family emergency and they had tried to call me. They didn't have my new home number however they did have my cell phone and I never received a call on that. Luckily they had set me up to see another doctor. I filled out a form, got called back, weighed, vitals taken, and then waited patiently. Dr. N came in and greeted me warmly. He had already looked over my chart--not sure what info they all had on me--but needed the results of my liver biopsy. Gotta love my bigass binder of medical paperwork. I pulled it out, let him read it, he nodded, and handed it back to me. I was asked what my main concern was for the day. This was a first! I told him that I was obviously concerned about my liver issues and wanted to know what he thought was causing it. He, too, does not think I have Alpha-1 Liver disease and said he's never run across an MZ patient that was seriously ill. Now I "know" of some MZ's who have already had a transplant or are waiting for one and informed him of such. He seemed surprised and said he'd love to actually talk to him--I guess from a research stand point it interested him. Still, Dr. N guessed that these MZ's who've had serious liver disease actually had underlying, undiagnosed liver issues (such as NASH) and that when their doctor couldn't figure out the cause of the inflamed liver, saw the low levels of Alpha-1, and hence made the diagnosis of A1AD liver disease. Not so sure that's the case, honestly. Especially not after "talking" to them this weekend. I should say that he did state on more the one occasion that he could be wrong which was good to hear. Better that then, "No way it could ever be this!!" Dr. N says he believes I have NASH - Non-Alcoholic Steatohepatitis. When compared to A1AD liver disease there are some similarities such as not being able to stop the progression of the disease and not knowing how bad your liver will get. In people such as myself (i.e. not overweight, not a drinker, and not diabetic) they are wondering if it isn't a genetic condition like A1AD. There is also a chance I could develop diabetes given I most likely have insulin resistance (or so says Dr. N). In reading more about that condition it does coincide w/my hypoglycemia problems. I don't think my insulin levels have ever been checked so no way to know for sure at this point. I was told that so long as I stay on a fairly healthy diet I will most likely not develop diabetes. Of course there's no way to know for sure. :o/

For now the approach is for me to have blood tests at least twice a year. Dr. N said he could almost guarantee me that my AST's and ALT's would go back up. Apparently that is the M.O. of NASH. The levels wax and wane but aren't always indicative of damage being done. On the contrary, actually--which is really frightening--but they are seeing patients who have never had raised liver enzymes end up needing transplants from this disease. Definitely a "silent liver killer." I'll be seen at least once a year, maybe more often, and be watched. I was given an article about the correlation between MZ Alphas and the effect it has on folks w/NASH and Hep C. It seems that being just an MZ worsens the NASH or Hep C. Double whammy!

We discussed a few other things, things that either are no biggy and/or I can't recall at this present time. If I remember them and they seem pertinent then I'll add them later. For now the new diagnosis brings my total of crazy ass things that are wrong with me (and actually diagnosed) to: SIX. Go me.

Lung wise I've been a lot more wheezy, short of breath, and feeling run down. I thought for sure I was coming down w/a head cold given my symptoms but either it was the shortest head cold ever, or it's something else. I do know that the previous owners of the house we're in had cats, so that could be aggravating things as I'm very allergic to cats. Or it could just be me adjusting to the wet/damp/moldiness that is Portland. I have a tentative appt. w/Dr. B (pulmo at OHSU) scheduled for Feb. '08. Crappy. I may get moved up after I send him my Alpha-1 stuff, chest xray, and breathing test from forever ago. I also plan to write him a letter and let him know how bad things have gotten. Definitely not horrendous or anything, but I'm not liking how I'm feeling. Dr. N seems to think that w/an Alpha-1 level of 71 that I should be just fine. Once again I was told that this is quite low for an MZ. Maybe I'm actually an SZ. Need to do that damn finger prick phenotype test for the love of gawd!! Hopefully I can get in sooner and update once that happens.

Arthritis has taken on a whole new meaning in this type of weather. Luckily it has been wonderful here!! I keep waiting for that to change, the sun to go away, the gray to roll in, the rain to come, and to feel the true meaning of living west of the Cascades. And yet I've been in more pain despite the mild days. Achy bones for sure!

Head splitting open/fullness thing has gotten better from the last time I blogged, but it's still there. Seems that as soon as I start to think it's gone I do something that requires quite a bit of physical effort and bam...it's back. The fact that it does seem to be happening less is hopeful.

On a more happier note, we are loving it thus far in Portland! We do miss our friends and my dad, but overall I think we made the right decision. The kids are adjusting well at school, Ryan likes his job (even though he's only been there for two days), and I'm learning how to get around our little neck of the woods. Lexi and Kya are handling the stairs much better than we thought they would. Kya isn't impressed by having the office as their "bedroom" instead of sleeping in crates. Weirdo. Lexi loves it, but they both wake us up at night when they move around a lot as the office is right above our bedroom. We have discovered the wonders of Ikea and are hooked now. Bought brand new bedroom furniture for our bedroom and both the kiddos' rooms. Soooo cheap and yet it's heavy, feels expensive, and looks great! I think it will take Ryan at least a year to recover from putting it all together, though. ;o) It's been hard not to eat out every night w/all the restaurants to choose from. I can't say that we've had crappy food yet (knock on wood). I can't wait to show those of you planning a visit out/up here all around our favorite haunts! For now...it's late...I'm exhausted and off to bed!

Ouch

I had been going along doing alright, still needing the Percocet, but typically being able to keep it at a half to a whole a day. Then this weekend I hit the wall again. It felt like I was coming down with the flu to the point that I was sure I was getting sick. Despite having been through this more than once I always fall back to the "I'm coming down w/something" thoughts because truly, no one should feel this bad without being able to look forward to getting better. In all fairness we've had a run of the sniffles/congestion as the weather goes back and forth between fall and HELL. I love Bend but I sometimes get tired of only 2 wks. of fall before winter sets in. Although I do have to wonder if the changing weather isn't part of why I've been feeling so crappy. In any event every joint has been acting up. My bones ache even. I was rolling along on my knitting but had to stop because my hands, wrists, fingers, and arms hurt just hanging off of my body, let alone actually doing something. It seems like it's been awhile since my bones hurt and I was in this much pain all over...maybe not. I'd have to look back and read. Tonight I made Ryan promise to "make" me call Dr. B tomorrow and tell them that I am not okay. I need the prodding, for whatever reason, or else I won't do it. And I need to.

With the pain came the extreme exhaustion. I have noticed that I've been toeing that line for awhile now and even though I'm always tired I do know there are differing levels of fatigue for me. For awhile I attributed it to PMS. Then when that should've cleared up I wasn't quite out of that fog/fatigue mode. This weekend was fairly stressful for me which may also have contributed to the big flare. On Sat. morning we went out for Ian's early breakfast (typically I take the kids out for breakfast on their birthdays, but Ian decided that he had no desire to get up at 5:45 a.m. to eat out and get to school on time--I love that kid) and it was all I could do not to fall asleep during our meal. I did end up napping a bit the rest of the day but we had a wedding to decorate so I didn't get to truly rest. Now I feel as if I haven't caught up and could sleep for days.

My eyes have also been quite dry/achy and the left is a beautiful shade of crimson. Nothing new there. :o)

I also need to call Dr. A about the SI joint injections as his office hasn't called me to set it up. Last night I had a nightmare about it and now I'm really dreading it. And yet looking forward to the hope that it will work.

I will say though, that watching Ryan play Oblivion is good for the soul as he makes me laugh. A lot.

A step in the right direction

Got the results of my liver panel bloodwork and it looks like my ALT was only two points above normal, so that's really good. The AST and everything else was normal, which is how it's been for a bit anyways. I'm still waiting on my records for my biopsy. The hospital changed a bunch of things so that now instead of going in, requesting what you need, signing a release, and walking out with your paperwork, you have to go in, sign a release, and wait. They also implemented a fee for each time you get your records. When the person in charge of handling all of this called to verify what I needed and my address I asked him about the fee and what they did for people who couldn't afford it. I was told that they "make deals" with people. Okay. So it's more of a guideline than a rule, eh? He said that he wouldn't charge me, which was nice considering how much the cost of everything has added up, and would put them in the mail that day (Monday). I still haven't received them. If they haven't arrived by tomorrow I'm going to call and see if I can't go down there and pick them up myself.

The GI's office agreed to call in one month of Questran for me. Why they couldn't just do another standing order is beyond me. I will most likely need to be on this for the rest of my life so it annoys me that they are making it difficult.

The Aciphex seems to be doing well for me. My throat is ever so slightly sore at times, yet much better. I also haven't been having the reflux like before. It's been nice not having that big issue to deal with on top of everything else.

Surprisingly I've started having a bit more energy. Nothing to get excited over, just enough that when I drink my coffee I actually get a few things accomplished. Been awhile since that has happened.

Arthritis-wise the achy legs continue. Some days are better than others. No one from Dr. B's office has called about me stopping the Sulfasalazine and what they want me to do. My SI joints have been acting up here and there but the cortisone shots still scare me. I have no doubt those will suck.