My butt hurts

Okay, so not my actual butt, yet just right above my butt...on both sides no less...is quite sore. Doesn't help that the SI joints were already angry when we started the procedure. They just don't understand why I keep shoving needles into that area.

I arrived at the Bend Surgery Center at 9:30 for check-in, filled out the paperwork, paid the advanced payment (was not expecting that one...thanks for the heads up...not), and then did a little knitting while I waited to get called back. I didn't have to wait long and was soon taken back into another room were I had some vitals taken and opted not to have the sedative. I figured that if it didn't help with my pain during my bone biopsy there was no reason to think it would help with the pain today. Of course part of me liked the idea of being relaxed and not scared, yet I didn't want to deal with more pokes if I didn't have to. Again, IV's I hate but I can stand them when it's "worth" it, however I figured that since the procedure was only about 15-20 mins. I could deal with it. The nurse ended up being my kids' former pediatric nurse so that was kinda cool. We caught up a bit, she got me a warm blanket, and I took out my knitting again. About 3/4 of the way through square number one Dr. A came in to go over things with me. I love that man...he's just such a good doctor and truly cares about his patients. Anyways...by this time I was ready for a nap! I still had about 15-20 more mins. to kill until it was my turn and all I really wanted to do was climb up onto the gurney and go to bed. Instead I opted to finish the square and then I chilled.

The nurse called my name from the hall and she came in to get me as I gathered my things. I forewent the wheelchair, arrived at the fluoroscopy room, went pee, and then got myself positioned on the table ass in the air. The nice thing about not having an IV was that I got to wear my street clothes which consisted of sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and some faux Uggs. I was in comfort-mode for sure. The nurses had a good laugh at said sweatshirt as it's from Harry's Chocolate Shop in West Lafayette, IN and bares the motto, "Go Ugly Early." Dr. A came in, we chatted a bit, and then he marked the spots where my SI joints were after x-raying them (the black "v's" are tres chic, let me tell you!). Next step was the crappy lidocaine. He started off fairly superficially and then continued south until he was pretty damn close to the joints. Still, there is only so much you can numb and in the case of the pelvis, that ain't much. The needle was inserted, more xrays, more moving of the needle, inserting of dye, xrays, moving, etc.--VERY reminiscent of my bone biopsy. I cursed some, said "oww" quite a bit, breathed as if I were in labor, winced, and had involuntary muscle contractions both in my butt and my back. I did not, however, cry, scream, or feel like I was in out of control pain. Once he got the needle in position he injected the steroid. At first it's more of a pressure vs. pain thing. That quickly changes and it becomes all about the pain. Like I said, I had flashbacks of my bone biopsy. Same type of pain and pressure yet nothing can be done to relieve either. The worst part was knowing that despite being finished with the right one, the left still had to be injected. Soon enough they were all done. Probably took about 15 mins. or so, but damn it wasn't fun. Dr. A was awesome though--he was quite concerned and apologized for causing me pain. I told him it would all be worth it if it works! He said he felt really good about the injections in that he was sure they both flowed fully into the SI joints. The one nurse/tech handling the fluoroscope said you could see just how perfectly the cortisone had been placed, so that was reassuring! The nurses said I was one tough cookie and were very proud of me. Go me! :o)

Once I slid ever so carefully off of the table I was wheeled into the recovery area where a nurse gave me my discharge instructions and some water. She also went and fetched Ryan who had been there the entire time but didn't tell anyone. Dork. I was told that I would need a driver no matter what, but then was told that since I wasn't given sedation that I could drive myself home if I felt up to it. So basically Ryan drove in from Redmond for no reason. :o/ He still followed me home to make sure I didn't kill anyone or myself. I took a half a percocet, ate something, and rested. As the day has gone on I've continued to be quite sore which is supposed to be normal. We had Ian's Open House tonight and although I went, it was very tough. I took another half of a percocet before it started and then another half mid-way through. All the standing on sitting on super hard chairs was just too much. In the end we left during "4th" period as I just couldn't do it any longer. I would've toughed it out but....



...Ryan got a job offer today.



...And I am this () close to selling the biz to a gal who I think will rock it out!!!



After the shit-ass weekend I had I had literally prayed for some good karma. And given I'm not a religious person, that's saying a lot. But someone heard me...and finally the karma shifted. I just hope that it all stays good and works out. I will miss a lot of people in Bend, but we're all ready for a change and it's time to move on. If the cortisone injections work, it will be the biggest cherry on top!

Wee bit nervous

Just a bit. Not a lot. Not scared of the pain or anything, more the possible complications part. My dad will be staying with me and the kids in the afternoon just to be safe. Yay for dad's who are nurses too! :o)

As a side I got to shoot the cutest little girl today and her mom and dad. I was worried I would be too exhausted to hang in there but turns out that it really perked me up and made my day bright! Yay for adorable babies who have cool moms!!

We are family?

Given the genetic nature of Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency, I figured it would be wise to let my mom's side of the family know about it so that they could get tested if they so desired. The thing is, I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 3 yrs. Because of this, her sisters--my aunts--are not my biggest fans. A couple of them still talk to me (as in if I called one of them they wouldn't hang up on me, but we're not chatting or anything), send me Christmas cards, and stay pretty neutral. Two others (and three of my cousins) think I am one of the worst human beings on the planet. Now, I get that they have only heard my mom's side of the story and I'm sure it's dramatic and fraught with lies and how I'm just "killing" her. Thing is, all through my childhood she made it well known to me that I was in her way of being happy. If it wasn't for me she could find a good man--all the ones she dated (and two of the ones she married) didn't like kids. She was verbally and physically abusive although it wasn't horrendous. I wasn't locked in a closet and forced to drink my own urine. It wasn't nice though. Still, I did everything I could to win her approval and make her happy. One day I finally realized that it didn't matter what I did...she would never be happy. Not for herself and definitely not for me. The woman reveled in making me feel like shit. I got tired of it. Knowing her demeanor and penchant for drama I knew that trying to explain this to her like a normal human being would only result in her flying off the deep end and lots of angry words being said. I had tried once before when she came out for a visit. She ended up staying at a motel the night before she left, instead of at my dad's where she had been staying, throwing a big fit, and telling my aunts how awful I was.

That's my mom. I don't expect her to change and that's okay. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't hurt by the fact that part of my family has chosen to disown me. Growing up I was always a good kid, took care of people, and loved my aunts. For some reason they were awesome moms. Not perfect I'm sure, but man they loved their kids and loved being a mom. I wanted that. So yeah, it sucks that I don't feel like I can call one of them up and ask for advice or even just to hear how they're doing. Again...it is what it is.

I put my feelings aside and emailed my aunts and cousins to let them know what I had. I told them that it was serious, that I would most likely be put on the liver transplant waiting list, and gave them links to places where they could read more and even request a free anonymous test.

My mom called my dad the following day. No one called me. Nor emailed me. So much for family. You'd think they could put aside their differences long enough to let me know they're thinking of me. That no matter what they love me, even if they disagree with my choices as an adult. I can't say that I'll update them. If they cared enough they would've let me know. Since they don't, cest la vie.

My daughter's bed

Today, while drinking my favorite cappuccino, I went into my daughter's room where she was sitting on her bed. I sat down with her and we talked. Talked about things such as what color we should paint her room this spring, and if she liked the idea of my building a bookshelf/toy box/window seat combo thingymabob for her, and where all the pictures she had on her walls had come from. Our youngest dog Kya came in and we invited her up on the bed with us. The weather was gloomy today so the bed was more than cozy. Megan and I lovingly stroked Kya and discussed more girly stuff. My son Ian came in and joined us on the bed. He went into great detail about the wolf picture he had drawn freehand and given to Megan (as she's a huge wolf fan) and I remarked that he should be very proud of it (as it is an amazing drawing). I went and got my old drawings out from our bedroom and brought them into Megan's where I returned to my spot on the bed. We slowly flipped through each one and I told them the backstory of the picture. Both kids complimented them all as if they were true works of art. My husband came in a few times and smiled, joked around a bit, and then left us to our peaceful states again. We laughed, we talked, we bonded and in doing so I realized that even if I can't always physically do things with them, there are little things that I hope they'll remember and that will mean the world to them.

Like sitting on the bed on a cold spring day talking about everything and nothing and just being together. I had not felt that good in a long time and I won't soon forget it. I hope they don't either.